Families eh!!

When he's asks for more money as his "share" of the estate you will need to have prepared your answer.

Good luck.
 
Wow Tim that's a difficult one!! My dad passed a good few years ago now. And I ended up sorting more stuff then my brothers even though I am the youngest! Sounds silly but I was only 25 at the time. My brothers have since said thanks and that they couldn't have done what I had!

I think what your brother is asking is a bit off!! But he might have issues difficulties at the moment. If I where you just pay it smile it's only money!

Sorry about the loss.
 
For what it's worth I think that you did the right thing - just let these things go. Let's hope that you maintain a good relationship with your brother.
 
Not knowing the whole story it's a difficult one but I think the brother's timing is quite despicable. He could have at least waited until after everything had settled on it all and then had a quiet word afterwards if he felt in some way aggrieved. Sorry for your loss and the mis-timed attitude of your brother, following a bereavement is never a good time for that kind of behaviour as I see it no matter what the circumstances.

I've had similar episodes from my money grabbing older sister most of my life so I can empathise with how you feel, it gets to a point where letting it "go over your head" just isn't an option. After our Mum died my sister and her brood well and trruly shat on me and my wife from a great height so I chose to have nothing more to do with any of them - it's been over 3 years now and I (we) feel a lot better for it. As already said, your friends you chose, family are forced upon you - but there's nothing to say they have to stay family.
 
Very sad to hear that Tim. Despite this i agree with what others have said, it's very annoying but you did the right thing. I myself lost my Dad a few years back which was obviously horrible but it means that eventually ill be in the same situation with my Mum and working out things with my brother. This is by no means close but i can sympathise with the situation slightly with only a parent left. I'm only 21 though so hopefully plenty of good years together yet to come.

My condolences.
 
Hi Tim, I really feel for you, the timing and attitude is unbelievable but unfortunately some people just don't care about other people's feelings. As others have said, fair play to you for not telling him to get lost, that alone shows the gulf in character between you and your brother.

Undoubtedly the quickest solution is to give him the money and move on but to me that's reinforcing his poor judgement. I like the suggestion others have made, deduct your own admin fee for sorting out the estate.

I can't get my head around a scenario where a child wants expenses for visiting their parent in these circumstances and hope I'm never put in that situation by my brothers as I doubt I'd be so calm about it!
 
TitanTim said:
Thanks for your replies, its good to hear of others experiences.

I've always got on reasonably well with my brother but thought less towards hin the past few as he hardly kept in touch with my mum and thought he could have made more of an effort but there you go. Good advice to just let it go, I've paid the monies and will try and forget about it.

Havard, yes you're correct.

Tim.
Click to expand...

Cheers Tim. Ok, so your brother is looking for financial recompence for visiting his ill mother and also attending a funeral. That is unforgivable to be quite frank. I need to ask if your mother just put you in charge of the family money as a reasonable person or deliberately wanted to exclude your brother?

The fact that you have handed over money (not sure if that is your mum's or your wish at this point), I would think that a hotel bill, fuel etc would pail into insignificance.

I think that biting your tongue will eat away at you or being honest will lead to a fall out with your brother. Either way, I think he is being greedy and insensitive and brother or not, I would prefer not to be close to him.

I had a massive fall out with members of my family when I was 16 and money that I was entitled to, went to them as I couldn't believe how greedy and selfish they were being when my uncle died. He died at 45 without a will with ex wife, new wife, 5 kids (one his), mother, brother (my dad) all fighting over £750K. I was meant to get £5K as his nephew and gave it up as told them I was embarrased to know most of them.

Never easy when money is the subject and decency normally goes out of the window.

H.
 
And it's all too common as well, I know lots of people, including distant cousins, that have siblings etc that suddenly crawl out of the woodwork after not being seen for years when the elderly need looking after, with their hand out as soon as the relative has died. Theirs one going on at the moment with a now desceased customer and his 2 utterly vile sons which I won't bore you with but it's a toe curler, makes you sad to know there are people like this about, greed is a very strong emotion. I reckon most on here would have a story to tell of some sorts.
 
could it be that your brother feels pissed off cos you have ended up with everything and he as nothing?

lets say you inherited 50k, then would it be a lot to ask if you helped your brother out a bit
 
Hi all,

Thanks for your replies, I wouldn't normally post this type of thing on a public forum but peeps on here are so good at giving their views and putting things into perspective so I really appreciate your take on this, To be frank I'm feeling pretty bewildered over it as my bother has been matter of fact and thinks it's perfectly normal to have a relative pay for as he's put it out of pocket personal expenses for visiting his mother who was in critical care and the subsequent funeral. I'm just weighing up the morality against well maybe as he's not benefitted from the will then its not alot of him to ask of me for some form of financial contribution, but at the moment it sits uncomfortably with me and makes me feel very sad. I could understand it if he was financially insecure and would have made every effort at the time to help him out but thats not the case.

Havard, my brother had made it clear over the years that if the will made it a 50/50 split then he wanted the family home sold off etc however the will was contrary to this for which I was made the sole benefactor in relation to the property etc. All estate monies was down to 50/50 split. We were both made executers of the will however I've arranged everything regarding the funeral/estate etc as he lives so far away and there was the practicality of sorting the affairs out.

I did compose a ridiculous e-mail to him yesterday asking for a breakdown of his expenses i.e. hotel, travelling costs as the hotel him and and his wife stayed in was a country manor house at twice the cost of a reasonable local travel lodge. If I'd known at the time he wanted me to pay hotel expenses I would have made the bookings at reasonable cost lol. Anyways I ended up deleting it all, paid the moneys into his account and just said here's the amount you require and have left it at that.

As said its just money at the end of the day, my focus at the moment is trying to come to terms with losing my mum as because I was her day to day carer it plays on my mind whether I could have done things differently or better etc so all this over expenses pales.

Tim.
 
Taz said:
could it be that your brother feels pissed off cos you have ended up with everything and he as nothing?

lets say you inherited 50k, then would it be a lot to ask if you helped your brother out a bit
Click to expand...

This is my thinking and why I've paid the money to him however its the way he's gone about it that sits uncomfortably with me but then how esle do you go about it except to say I'm out of pocket due to trevelling and hotel costs etc. The will is the will which should be accepted without making any benefactor feel guilty but can see the other side if the boot was on the other foot.

Tim.
 
I can't understand why anyone would ask for money to visit their own mums funeral etc. Maybe its just his way of dealing with things to make it more business than personal?
 
You've paid his expenses and maybe in the future there will be an opportune moment when you can let him know how that felt. He maybe sees it as his Mother's money and that she wouldn't mind contributing to his expenses. Doesn't sit right with me either but this is a matter perhaps better dealt with at another time. I suspect there is some underlying cause for such surprising behaviour. For now there is a very useful saying that comes to mind 'Says more about him than it does about you. . .'

Which leads me to a much more important point: - from what you've said there is little doubt that you have carried the burden and responsibility of caring and managing your Mother's needs for some time. I guess it's natural to ask whether you could have done more but the important thing is that you were there and you did provide. Being there and fulfilling that role will have meant so much to your mother (whether she was aware of it or not). You sound like a dutiful and loving son, from what you've posted. You have been bewildered by your brother's behaviour which also points to your relationship with your Mother. Nothing to be doubting yourself over Tim.

Take care at this difficult time.
 
paulgs1000 said:
You've paid his expenses and maybe in the future there will be an opportune moment when you can let him know how that felt. He maybe sees it as his Mother's money and that she wouldn't mind contributing to his expenses. Doesn't sit right with me either but this is a matter perhaps better dealt with at another time. I suspect there is some underlying cause for such surprising behaviour. For now there is a very useful saying that comes to mind 'Says more about him than it does about you. . .'

Which leads me to a much more important point: - from what you've said there is little doubt that you have carried the burden and responsibility of caring and managing your Mother's needs for some time. I guess it's natural to ask whether you could have done more but the important thing is that you were there and you did provide. Being there and fulfilling that role will have meant so much to your mother (whether she was aware of it or not). You sound like a dutiful and loving son, from what you've posted. You have been bewildered by your brother's behaviour which also points to your relationship with your Mother. Nothing to be doubting yourself over Tim.

Take care at this difficult time.
Click to expand...

Thanks Paul, appreciate it. With regard to caring for my mum, my brother has always lived 4 to 5 hours travelling distance, so never been easy for him to really provide any backup. I've never had any problem with this except felt he could have kept in touch more i.e. more than 1 phone call a year and the odd visit every 3 years or so. As I lived close to mum I just took on the roll of looking after her and never really thought too much about it except my mum was adamant she didn't wish to go into a care home unless things got really bad so I just took the care side on and got on with it as you do. In terms of my mums money the expenses hes asked for hasn't come out of the estate monies but from my own pocket as he said it shouldn't come out of the estate.

Tim.
 
TitanTim said:
paulgs1000 said:
You've paid his expenses and maybe in the future there will be an opportune moment when you can let him know how that felt. He maybe sees it as his Mother's money and that she wouldn't mind contributing to his expenses. Doesn't sit right with me either but this is a matter perhaps better dealt with at another time. I suspect there is some underlying cause for such surprising behaviour. For now there is a very useful saying that comes to mind 'Says more about him than it does about you. . .'

Which leads me to a much more important point: - from what you've said there is little doubt that you have carried the burden and responsibility of caring and managing your Mother's needs for some time. I guess it's natural to ask whether you could have done more but the important thing is that you were there and you did provide. Being there and fulfilling that role will have meant so much to your mother (whether she was aware of it or not). You sound like a dutiful and loving son, from what you've posted. You have been bewildered by your brother's behaviour which also points to your relationship with your Mother. Nothing to be doubting yourself over Tim.

Take care at this difficult time.
Click to expand...

Thanks Paul, appreciate it. With regard to caring for my mum, my brother has always lived 4 to 5 hours travelling distance, so never been easy for him to really provide any backup. I've never had any problem with this except felt he could have kept in touch more i.e. more than 1 phone call a year and the odd visit every 3 years or so. As I lived close to mum I just took on the roll of looking after her and never really thought too much about it except my mum was adamant she didn't wish to go into a care home unless things got really bad so I just took the care side on and got on with it as you do. In terms of my mums money the expenses hes asked for hasn't come out of the estate monies but from my own pocket as he said it shouldn't come out of the estate.

Tim.
Click to expand...
You didn't mention before he said it shouldn't come out of the estate.

You should have chinned him frankly!
 
TitanTim said:
Taz said:
could it be that your brother feels pissed off cos you have ended up with everything and he as nothing?

lets say you inherited 50k, then would it be a lot to ask if you helped your brother out a bit
Click to expand...

This is my thinking and why I've paid the money to him however its the way he's gone about it that sits uncomfortably with me but then how esle do you go about it except to say I'm out of pocket due to trevelling and hotel costs etc. The will is the will which should be accepted without making any benefactor feel guilty but can see the other side if the boot was on the other foot.

Tim.
Click to expand...


in which case you did the right think paying him the money, hopefully time will sort things out and it will all be forgotten soon :)
 
TitanTim said:
paulgs1000 said:
You've paid his expenses and maybe in the future there will be an opportune moment when you can let him know how that felt. He maybe sees it as his Mother's money and that she wouldn't mind contributing to his expenses. Doesn't sit right with me either but this is a matter perhaps better dealt with at another time. I suspect there is some underlying cause for such surprising behaviour. For now there is a very useful saying that comes to mind 'Says more about him than it does about you. . .'

Which leads me to a much more important point: - from what you've said there is little doubt that you have carried the burden and responsibility of caring and managing your Mother's needs for some time. I guess it's natural to ask whether you could have done more but the important thing is that you were there and you did provide. Being there and fulfilling that role will have meant so much to your mother (whether she was aware of it or not). You sound like a dutiful and loving son, from what you've posted. You have been bewildered by your brother's behaviour which also points to your relationship with your Mother. Nothing to be doubting yourself over Tim.

Take care at this difficult time.
Click to expand...

Thanks Paul, appreciate it. With regard to caring for my mum, my brother has always lived 4 to 5 hours travelling distance, so never been easy for him to really provide any backup. I've never had any problem with this except felt he could have kept in touch more i.e. more than 1 phone call a year and the odd visit every 3 years or so. As I lived close to mum I just took on the roll of looking after her and never really thought too much about it except my mum was adamant she didn't wish to go into a care home unless things got really bad so I just took the care side on and got on with it as you do. In terms of my mums money the expenses hes asked for hasn't come out of the estate monies but from my own pocket as he said it shouldn't come out of the estate.

Tim.
Click to expand...

Younger or older brother? Well I remain as bewildered as you must be Tim :o :( :? Very sad.
 
Thanks Tim,

You sounds like a reasonable guy and I wouldn't waste any time worrying if you could have done more for your mum. I think you should look at what you did compared to others and be proud.

I now understand where this has all come from now. I think the fact that you have paid his expenses is a joke and he has has some brass neck.

I hope you start drawing a line under this issue but I am not sure how close I would want to be with a brother like that. I struggle with mine but he is much younger (21). He has a lot to learn and so I give him some leway.

H.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom