Life is cruel when you're old !

G

gov

Senior member
Mum in law is 94 and in the early stages of dementia - my wife is an only child so everything falls on us - mum has lived alone for the past 15 years but the last year has been horrendous with several stays in hospital after falls and several weeks in respite - she is in hospital again now after complaining of acute back pain that we believe may be in her imagination ( although real to her ) She's had xrays that show nothing wrong ! We've worked really hard to keep her at home but the time is fast approaching when she'll need 24hr care - the system as everyone knows is that all her savings will be used to fund her care - this should last about 6 months then her house will be sold to pay the costs - we've been to several care homes and the costs average £900 a week - when the money finally runs out we will be expected to pay the top up fees of around £1k a month as the council will only pay £600 - and what happens if the house takes a long time to sell ? Bloody nightmare - my wife and I are 71 and all we want at our time of life is peace .

I know no one can do anything but my ranting has helped :cry:

Tony
 
gov said:
Mum in law is 94 and in the early stages of dementia - my wife is an only child so everything falls on us - mum has lived alone for the past 15 years but the last year has been horrendous with several stays in hospital after falls and several weeks in respite - she is in hospital again now after complaining of acute back pain that we believe may be in her imagination ( although real to her ) She's had xrays that show nothing wrong ! We've worked really hard to keep her at home but the time is fast approaching when she'll need 24hr care - the system as everyone knows is that all her savings will be used to fund her care - this should last about 6 months then her house will be sold to pay the costs - we've been to several care homes and the costs average £900 a week - when the money finally runs out we will be expected to pay the top up fees of around £1k a month as the council will only pay £600 - and what happens if the house takes a long time to sell ? Bloody nightmare - my wife and I are 71 and all we want at our time of life is peace .

I know no one can do anything but my ranting has helped :cry:

Tony
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The care and Love you have and are showing and giving is very noble indeed. Don't forget in this day and age there are only a few people like yourself, you WILL get your reward for your humanity.
Don't worry, by worrying you cannot change anything. It will all blow over sooner or later, things always end favourably.
Have hope,
Sukhi.
 
Hope you can get things sorted Tony.

I don’t have kids and don’t plan on having any and I doubt I’ll ever get married, so when I get old and infirm there will be no-one to care for me. That’s a bit disconcerting but it’s a ways off yet so I’m not too concerned at the mo.

Financially, there’s probably enough all told to keep me in diapers and coacoa but personally I’m hoping I just keel over and kick it before I get to that stage. Statistically, it’s likely to happen that way but isn’t it a sad fact of life that you guys and eventually possibly myself will need to face the burden of making sure family/loved ones are properly cared for in old age.

These care homes are making an absolute killing off a sure thing!

Good luck fella
:thumbsup:
 
gov said:
Mum in law is 94 and in the early stages of dementia - my wife is an only child so everything falls on us - mum has lived alone for the past 15 years but the last year has been horrendous with several stays in hospital after falls and several weeks in respite - she is in hospital again now after complaining of acute back pain that we believe may be in her imagination ( although real to her ) She's had xrays that show nothing wrong ! We've worked really hard to keep her at home but the time is fast approaching when she'll need 24hr care - the system as everyone knows is that all her savings will be used to fund her care - this should last about 6 months then her house will be sold to pay the costs - we've been to several care homes and the costs average £900 a week - when the money finally runs out we will be expected to pay the top up fees of around £1k a month as the council will only pay £600 - and what happens if the house takes a long time to sell ? Bloody nightmare - my wife and I are 71 and all we want at our time of life is peace .

I know no one can do anything but my ranting has helped

Tony
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We were in a similar situation for 18 months. We managed to get mum into a care home for free Respite Care (24 hour care needed) which gave us a break for two months. Speak to your council Social team and explain the difficulties you are both experiencing. In our Mum's case Alzheimer's Dementia rapidly took hold and she entered end of life care. Very distressing.
 
And how the system is unfair. So my mother-in-law is 87 and lives in a council house. She recently had a spell in hospital and when asked about care was told everything will be paid for. As she’s a council tenant with a rebate. I have 2 young children and I’m questioning why I’m encouraging them to better themselves only for it to be taken away when your old. Why should those that have done something to better themselves have to give it up when those that haven’t and been supported all their lives make no contribution in later life. 🤬
 
I had to put my mum in a care home when she was 92. She was solvent enough for her costs to be covered by her savings at first, we sold her house to cover the costs before the savings ran out. She finally died age 97 two years ago.

In our case she had pensions and care allowance which covered about half of the care home costs each month. Make sure that your mum is receiving all of the allowances that she is entitled to, if you are unsure go and talk to your Citizens Advice Bureau or the local council. I understand that the local council will cover costs if her house does not sell before the savings run out.
 
I to have a not to dissimilar situation

Mum and Dad worked most of their working lives,
Dad has had cancer and has very low lung function, breathless just talking.
Mum was a nurse now 80 years old and has dementia,
Dad could no longer cope so mum went into care
Dad is now an angry resentful bitter man and I live and work 120 miles away so my contact has deminised over the last few years
Also because he has approx £150,000 in the bank there is no help financially, And a £200,000 house.

The money will run out in 3 years then we will be into the value of the house

Other twists are my sister (I don’t get no with at all) now has a bigger share 60/40 of the will because she is helping dad a day a week
Dad has pushed my son away saying he is not welcome.

I called the care home direct last night and asked how Mum was then with in the hour he was ringing me right or wrong I let it ring out as I am sure he was just angry I had rung with out asking him first

So back to the first bit I do not know where the money will come from as Dad is on his last legs and Mum is fit and well other wise.
 
Woodrow said:
And how the system is unfair. So my mother-in-law is 87 and lives in a council house. She recently had a spell in hospital and when asked about care was told everything will be paid for. As she’s a council tenant with a rebate. I have 2 young children and I’m questioning why I’m encouraging them to better themselves only for it to be taken away when your old. Why should those that have done something to better themselves have to give it up when those that haven’t and been supported all their lives make no contribution in later life. 🤬
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You have hit the nail right on the head. Not only do those with some savings have to pay for their care but they also subsidise those the council pay for. The homes charge higher fees for those paying for themselves to compensate for the low fees councils pay. It is just so unfair. :headbang:
 
And what with the Inheritance tax.
You work all your life to make sure your children benefit from something when you die i.e property, savings etc.....then the government take most of it away from the so called Inheritance tax.
Shame!
 
At 94 it’s definately time for a home if she’s onset dementia, a cruel illness as we all know. Is there a Methodist run home anywhere within distance? They put profits back into the place rather than into someone’s yacht in the med. I’ve got my 95yr old mum in one thank Christ after 4 or 5 years of.....well....some horrendous times keeping her at home, falls with toilet accidents in the middle of the night that I’ve been dealing with when on oxygen etc, it’s had me in tears at times I don’t mind admitting and getting her into a home has lifted a weight off me I couldn’t imagine. It costs I know, I’ve sold her house to pay for it, £3800 a month but the relief is beyond the cost, I can’t imagine dealing with it at 71, it was bad enough at 50. She’ll be so much better off in there Gov, for her sake and yours.
 
Really sorry to read your Post Tony.

I know exactly what you are going through as my mother who was 97 last April was still living in her own flat with visits from carers, but she still couldn't cope. Luckily my sister and I both had Power of Attorney and got her into a residential home last July despite her initial reluctance, but thankfully she seems settled now and we are very happy with how she is being looked after.

We found one that is run by a charity and it's a bit cheaper than some as a result, but it's still £3,293 a month, and her savings have just run out. But we've had an asking price offer on her flat so the care home have agreed to defer part of their fees for 3 months. Now we're just hoping the sale goes through quickly!

You can only do what you think is best for her, and it sounds like you are so take some relief from that. :thumbsup:

Following all this my sister who is 65 is in the process of getting LPAs drawn up in case her "kids" need to use them.
 
I sometimes wonder if it's worth being prudent with cash when it, along with any assets are taken by the care home to fund care when its most needed.
My mother in law was in the same position years ago, cash dwindling as her state and teachers pension didn't account for the fees. Her house was on the cards for being sold but sadly she passed away prior to that becoming necessary.
 
Thanks for kind thoughts and advice - the cost of care is what it is - the important thing is as everyone says to keep her safe - we're hoping to convince her to achieve this she needs 24hr care - for her sake and my wife's state of mind . Today the hospital has said at some point we will have an open meeting with my wife and I present to decide whether she needs full time care or go home with carers but if they assess mum's mental state as being okay her decision will be final ie if she insists she wants to go home then so be it - obviously my priority is with my wife's state of mind .
 
Mr Tidy said:
Really sorry to read your Post Tony.

I know exactly what you are going through as my mother who was 97 last April was still living in her own flat with visits from carers, but she still couldn't cope. Luckily my sister and I both had Power of Attorney and got her into a residential home last July despite her initial reluctance, but thankfully she seems settled now and we are very happy with how she is being looked after.

We found one that is run by a charity and it's a bit cheaper than some as a result, but it's still £3,293 a month, and her savings have just run out. But we've had an asking price offer on her flat so the care home have agreed to defer part of their fees for 3 months. Now we're just hoping the sale goes through quickly!

You can only do what you think is best for her, and it sounds like you are so take some relief from that. :thumbsup:

Following all this my sister who is 65 is in the process of getting LPAs drawn up in case her "kids" need to use them.
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You can defer paying funds to a home if the house is for sale Mr T, they will want back payments upon sale but at least you don’t have to find the monthly payments until property has been sold.
 
john-e89 said:
You can defer paying funds to a home if the house is for sale Mr T, they will want back payments upon sale but at least you don’t have to find the monthly payments until property has been sold.
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I know, but the Trustees have only agreed to that for 3 months - I think because they've had large debts run up in the past. If the flat sale hasn't gone through by then we'll just have to have another conversation with them.
 
gov said:
Thanks for kind thoughts and advice - the cost of care is what it is - the important thing is as everyone says to keep her safe - we're hoping to convince her to achieve this she needs 24hr care - for her sake and my wife's state of mind . Today the hospital has said at some point we will have an open meeting with my wife and I present to decide whether she needs full time care or go home with carers but if they assess mum's mental state as being okay her decision will be final ie if she insists she wants to go home then so be it - obviously my priority is with my wife's state of mind .
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I “tricked” my mum into it Gov, after yet another fall and a stay in hospital I said she needed a month in a home for respite care to let her get her strength back, after a few months of “When am I going home” she accepted she was now in her new home, and it’s been the best thing for her, and maybe selfishly for me, I’d done all I could and the initial guilt has gone now, she’s so well looked after. Time is of the essence with your M-in-law, you don’t need advice from me as you know all this but the sooner you get it dealt with the better, especially with dimentia, it’ll only get harder to deal with, try not to feel guilty, you will but try, it’s for the best for all of you, especially your wife’s health. I wish you all the best. :thumbsup:
 
John, my sister did exactly the same thing knowing that we were acting in Mum's best interests.
 
Mr Tidy said:
john-e89 said:
You can defer paying funds to a home if the house is for sale Mr T, they will want back payments upon sale but at least you don’t have to find the monthly payments until property has been sold.
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I know, but the Trustees have only agreed to that for 3 months - I think because they've had large debts run up in the past. If the flat sale hasn't gone through by then we'll just have to have another conversation with them.
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:x That’s the problem with private care, they’re only in it for themselves I’m afraid, my sons school now has 2 of the greedy fuckers on the board of governors, ruthless bastards. I’m very lucky, I got mum in a Methodist home by accident really, they are local and had a place available just at the right time and had no time limit on the house sale, very fortunate.
 
We have put LPA in place for my daughter should she ever need it - Its facing the potential of that dreadful situation.
 
Mr Tidy said:
John, my sister did exactly the same thing knowing that we were acting in Mum's best interests.
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I’ve come away in tears so many times from the home Mr T thinking what an absolute s**t I am for putting her in there, but when you step back and look at it rationally keeping her at her old house was the bad thing to keep doing, private carers only go so far and you need to pick up so much slack don’t you, I needed to live there to give her everything she needed, not an option on so many levels, a year and a half in I now see how much better things are for her as you will, it’s an awful situation for so many folk isn’t it.
 
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