Bereavement

T

TitanTim

Elite
Hi all,

Apologies for the not so great subject for this time of year :(

It will be coming upto a year 17/12 since I lost my mum :( and upto last September I've been pretty much fine. When my mum passed away I just got on with things and kept life busy but since September the loss seems to have suddenly hit me particularly hard like a giant wave. From a personal point I find it a little strange that I'm feeling this now and not so much earlier in the year, yes I was upset etc but not this feeling of being completely overwhelmed. Leading upto this Christmas won't be great anyways but its to a point where I just want to be alone all the time. Work is particularly hard seeing everyone gearing up for Christmas and things like looming Christmas lunches etc I'm just feeling I just dont want to partake at the moment. I'm just a bit surprised this is hitting me now as I'm pretty much a get on with things kind of person. Losing mum is probably the first time someone very close has passed away so I'm guessing its normal to feel this way but should it hit almost a year later. Just wandering if peeps have had similar experiences of like a delayed sense of mourning. I'm thinking of seeing a bereavement councillor and hope this will help. I'm really willing Christmas to be out the way so I can look forward to the new year.

Apolgies again for not a great subject but wandered if anyone has had a similar experience with a close loss.

Tim.
 
this is a post thats hard to comment on

don't try and hold back your feelings, you're obviously finding things hard at the moment
 
If you are able to open up an talk to people then seeing a councillor may well help, they are trained for this kind of stuff, sometimes easier talking with a stranger than friends or family, as you don't have to worry about it been mentioned to others or people judging you, hope you get sorted
 
I lost my dad November last year very suddenly. Although he was 82 he was still working and very young. The feeling of loss does suddenly hit you when you're not expecting it. The headstone was put on the grave this week so it's all come home again
 
I'm not sure about a delayed reaction. When an family event comes up, like Christmas or the person's birthday, it is exceptionally difficult because you have experienced so many years with them being part of the occasion and suddenly they aren't there any more.

My fiancee's mum passed away last year in a very sudden manner, and there's part of me which isn't looking forward to this Christmas and even my forthcoming wedding (!), because I know there's a point at which I become a bystander and can't really do anything to help a family which will feel painfully incomplete. I'm sure with time it will get easier, but without wanting to sound too unfeeling, it's just because the routine changes. Nothing will ever replace the person - things just move on.
 
I lost my first wife to cancer some 15 years ago and although I'm pretty much a 'get on with it' sort of guy it obviously hurt like hell. Of course as time goes by the pain diminishes but never disappears altogether.

I used to dread social gatherings, I somehow felt more alone being on my own at parties etc. than if I'd stayed at home. It seemed to exaggerate the situation. I hated weekends and just wanted to get back to work each Monday for the company! Time is, as they say, a great healer, but it does take years rather than months.

I didn't get any counselling but my GP put me on Prozac for several months, it may not be everybody's choice but I found it beneficial.
 
Hi Tim, my mrs died on the 21st Dec 2001 & being honest it knocked the stuffing out of me for years-i still don't feel like being 'jolly" at xmas now 14 years later.
You just need time to cope with it better imho.
Regards
 
markplant said:
If you are able to open up an talk to people then seeing a councillor may well help, they are trained for this kind of stuff, sometimes easier talking with a stranger than friends or family, as you don't have to worry about it been mentioned to others or people judging you, hope you get sorted
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This is right.

We are all different and handle grief in different ways. There is not a right or wrong way.

Where is the blooming manual of life on what to do and how to feel when you need it?

Chin up.
 
Sincere condolences to you. To lose someone so close as an immediate family member ( I experienced the loss of both parents and a sister much too young) is one of the most devastating things that one has to face in life. Our mothers are someone so precious to each of us, they actually brought us into the world and, for most of us, have always been there for us and absolutely devoted to us. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, although dreadfully difficult. The advice given is that true grieving can sometimes last 2 or 3 years and is often delayed. We are simply not aware of or prepared for this delayed reaction, perhaps because the shock has suppressed some emotions and we seem to be coping well. As has been stated, talk as much as you can to other loved ones or a professional counsellor. It is so important to try not to isolate yourself from others, although it is natural at this time not to want to socialise at Christmas celebrations, attending one or two may actually help once you are there. Most importantly, try to remember that your mother would wish you to continue on your chosen path and always be so proud of you and your achievements, no matter what they are, as long as you are happy, which you can be once the grief eases in time.
 
Thank you all for your replies, as said I guess there is no right and wrong way to deal with bereavement and it affects people in different ways. My dad passed away 25 years ago when I was 25 and it pretty much knocked me immedietely but this time it feels quite different and just didn't think it would hit me so hard of late. I've booked the day off work on the anniversary and have a x-mas doo the followimg day so will see how things go. Thanks for advice on seeking counselling and plan on contacting a voluntary bereavement group next week and hope this will help. I think part of me is thinking it seems daft seeking breavement counselling a year after a loss but perhaps now is the best time to seek help.

Tim.
 
TitanTim said:
Thank you all for your replies, as said I guess there is no right and wrong way to deal with bereavement and it affects people in different ways. My dad passed away 25 years ago when I was 25 and it pretty much knocked me immedietely but this time it feels quite different and just didn't think it would hit me so hard of late. I've booked the day off work on the anniversary and have a x-mas doo the followimg day so will see how things go. Thanks for advice on seeking counselling and plan on contacting a voluntary bereavement group next week and hope this will help. I think part of me is thinking it seems daft seeking breavement counselling a year after a loss but perhaps now is the best time to seek help.

Tim.
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I don't know why you are worrying about it Tim. Grief is one of those things where anything that is needed to deal with it, is the right answer. Although not bereavement, I have had 12 months of hell and I went to counselling, openly spoke to friends, family, even customers to get a sense of how to deal with my situation.

You find out who your friends are when you most need them. Sharing with the group is never a bad thing in my opinion.

H.
 
Tim

So sorry to hear of your loss,

I'm in a very similar position to you, in that I lost my Mum almost a year ago on December 9th 2014 so the first anniversary is looming. I spent last Christmas in hospital so this year will be my first without her, so I'm dreading it. She loved Christmas as did I, but not any more.

I have found the last year very hard having no other close family, but I've just had to get on with it. I've also had an unexpected illness to contend with so its been a year to forget.

You just have to try and think positive, remember the good times you had together and carry on with your life as you owe it to your mum to do so.

Regards.
 
I lost my mum in October & I can completely understand why you feel like this, do you think the onset of the dark & gloomy evenings may also have a bearing on why you suddenly feel more of a loss now than you have done previously?
 
Tony and Ray sorry to hear of your loss and condolences to you both,

I think the time of year simply doesn't help but looking back over the year as much as anything I've stayed positive and kept busy with the house with jobs and projects etc. Looking back throughout the year as daft as it sounds I've been dealing with my mums loss almost as if she's been on an extended holiday, sounds crazy I know, I guess almost a denial and probably thats whats kept me going, but you can only keep that up for so long and now the realisation is she will never return from that holiday and reality is kicking in.

Tim.
 
Tim,
sorry to hear that you are feeling low and sorry for your loss. I know how you feel I lost my dad when I was in my teens and my mum many years later just before Christmas and it was mums death that hit me harder. I know how difficult things can be, but as others have said its good to talk. I found talking to others about mum, not obsessively or continuously, just in normal conversation, was a good way to remember her and it helped me come to terms with losing her. People will understand your feelings and sense of grief and it will get better.
 
Our bodies and minds are amazing and it's not surprising that you have found some way to manage for a year and then when ready, been hit so much harder by the loss. A good bereavement counsellor will be able to help you see your way through this and understand what's happening. That's a bit of an impersonal response to what sounds a natural and normal response to such a close personal loss.
It's wonderful that you feel able to seek others thoughts and comments on this forum - it's likely then you'll get a lot from a good bereavement counsellor. Every best wish at this difficult time :thumbsup:
 
paulgs1000 said:
Our bodies and minds are amazing and it's not surprising that you have found some way to manage for a year and then when ready, been hit so much harder by the loss. A good bereavement counsellor will be able to help you see your way through this and understand what's happening. That's a bit of an impersonal response to what sounds a natural and normal response to such a close personal loss.
It's wonderful that you feel able to seek others thoughts and comments on this forum - it's likely then you'll get a lot from a good bereavement counsellor. Every best wish at this difficult time :thumbsup:
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Thanks alot Paul, appreciate your kind comments. I've been helped alot by two work colleagues who have both lost a parent over the past 18 months and its been good to talk to someone who understands the feelings you go through and both have suggested seeing a counsellor so I think its the way to go for me personally. Whats helped upto now is being told what is happening to me is perfectly normal which I know sounds strange as what is normal under these circumstances but I didn't expect the grief to hit so hard some 12 months later.

Tim.
 
Its five years since I lost my mother and time is a great healer but all the good memories never leave you.Every anniversary I drive one of my favourite roads and stop at a quite riverside spot where I can sit and reflect on the good times we had.Carrying on with the drive I always feel so much better.Im sure you too will find your own way of comeing to terms with your loss.
 
cherrym said:
Its five years since I lost my mother and time is a great healer but all the good memories never leave you.Every anniversary I drive one of my favourite roads and stop at a quite riverside spot where I can sit and reflect on the good times we had.Carrying on with the drive I always feel so much better.Im sure you too will find your own way of comeing to terms with your loss.
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Cheers Cherry, exactly what I did today as been off work so went for a drive to a place I used to take my mum for lunch alot which gave happy memories.

Tim.
 
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