One of my favourites is the late great Chic Murray. Just about everything Chic Murray said was memorised and cloned by Billy Connolly.
I was walking along the banks of the Clyde opposite Dumbarton with my mate who said, "If you look across the river you can see Dumbarton Rock". I stared at it for fully ten minutes and never saw it move.
I got on a bus and went upstairs. The conductor came along asking for my fare. I said, "A single to the west end". He said, "We don't go to the west end". I said, You've got west end on the front of the bus". He said, "We've got Persil on the back of the bus but we don't take in washing".
When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, Chic lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!"
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter."
I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.
I was walking along the banks of the Clyde opposite Dumbarton with my mate who said, "If you look across the river you can see Dumbarton Rock". I stared at it for fully ten minutes and never saw it move.
I got on a bus and went upstairs. The conductor came along asking for my fare. I said, "A single to the west end". He said, "We don't go to the west end". I said, You've got west end on the front of the bus". He said, "We've got Persil on the back of the bus but we don't take in washing".
When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, Chic lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!"
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter."
I went to the doctor and he told me I only had three minutes to live. I immediately asked if there was anything he could do for me, to which he replied, that he could boil me an egg.